Health & Safety - The risks, hysteria, constipation and prevention strategies!

Health & Safety – The risks, hysteria, constipation and prevention strategies!

Health & Safety - The risks, hysteria, constipation and prevention strategies!

As an isolated island out in the Atlantic on the western edges of Europe, Ireland has some local risks and dangers than visitors to these shores should be aware of and take the appropriate safety measures. We ask you to read this section carefully so you can better understand the risks and associated Irish customs that might seem puzzling to you.

Alcoholic Constipation:

A severe condition that will generally afflict all who are susceptible. Tourists seem to get contaminated after spending time in a typical Irish pub enjoying a few drinks and a bit of craic. It is only after leaving that things start to become strange as the condition kicks in. Symptoms: It is believed that this virus or superbug is activated into overdrive by the fresh air on leaving the pub. It attacks the pituitary gland in yer brain, causing it to shoot out pleasure endorphins at record rates. This manifests itself as Alcoholic Constipation as you walk up the street and see the next pub and find yourself unable to pass a pub anymore! Helplessly like a mindless automaton, you are carried by these endorphins and you enter the pub, just to see what the craic is like. On leaving a few hours later the cycle repeats as you come across the next pub. Impacts: Loss of time, inability to do enrosques. Severe cases find themselves at 1.00am in a kebab bar telling everyone in a hard to understand voice “I luurrrv oirland”

Hysteria Mediterranius:

Are you venturing out for a bit to eat in a group from Garúa? Will you have people from the Mediterranean with you? Please be very careful. People from this region are afflicted by wild, uncontrolled outbursts when exposed to Irish cuisine. The dominance of the potato in Irish cuisine has meant that the Irish put potatoes with everything but ice cream. Typical Triggers: Irish ‘Italian’ Restaurants and Pizza places. Sadly, these places lull innocent Mediterranean folk into a false sense of security, with their familiar décor, the red and white checkerboard tabletops, pictures of ancient Rome, bottles of grappa on the shelves. It is when the Lasagne arrives that things go dramatically wrong. Served typically on a plate with French fries and a side salad. Expect loud outpourings of protest, violent hand movements and eventually tears at the culinary blasphemy. Try to manage this risk, avoid ordering pizza, it will come with pineapples and the wrong cheese cooked in an electric oven- Mama mia!! Prevention Strategies: This can be managed by the classic ‘them or us’ strategy. This is by either dosing the people from the Mediterranean in advance or by dosing everybody else instead. The medically recommended dose is two strong shots of Tullamore DEW whiskey. We recommend for the craic you dose yourselves then order Hawaiian pizzas and lasagne with fries and sit back and enjoy the show.

Disappearing Tourists: You might miss most of the Encuentro.

Sadly quite a few tourists never make their flight home each year, these days there is even a government website for relatives to fill out details of loved ones that came to Ireland and were never seen again. These people are typically found wandering the back roads of Ireland weeks later, looking lost but well fed and always with their hands on their ears, whispering in quiet and desperate tones “no more questions, no more questions”. This uniquely Irish phenomenon is called Chat-napping. Generally, most cultures are very polite and fear offending others, this is why the biggest proportion of victims of this are usually Finns or Norwegians. Typical Triggers: A tourist will be passing a native’s house and see them at their door or in their garden and say hello, this is all it takes. The first thing is the ‘Tea Trap’. “would you like to come in for a wee cup of tea?” Then the Irish person will start downloading your life story from you with wonderful flattering questions and each time your teacup is half empty, you will be topped up, cakes and biscuits will abound and there is no escape as the sun sets quietly. Then comes the ‘Whiskey Trap’. An innocent “ahh sure you’ll have a wee drop before leaving, it is only polite” and suddenly the next morning you will awake to the smell of an Irish breakfast cooking and the greeting to “ahh look it is sleepyhead! Sit down there and have a cup of tea” and as you are just trying to leave when your ‘host’ asks you some very deep questions about yourself causing you to stop and ponder the answer, and thus the cycle repeats itself. It’s a bit like therapy without the reclining chair and lots of Barry’s tea. This can go on for weeks or months depending on how interesting and deep you are. Prevention Strategies: So why does this occur, Irish people are insatiably curious and  also kind of hard to avoid in Ireland. Rule one: Avoid any conversation with an Irish person if you are on your own!  Safety in numbers folks, two is adequate although there are cases of couple disappearances, these are rarer. Three people or more for absolute safety. Please, if you notice one of the Garúa guests is still missing Monday morning please go to the government website and open a case. The site is www.chatnapped.gov.ie

Medical Insurance & Travel Insurance:

We would recommend all EU citizens make sure they have their E111 European Health Insurance Card, which is free and is an entitlement of all EU citizens. Why, well if you fall off that bar stool, or slip when trying to escape down the drainpipe of a chat-napper’s house. A&E has a standard charge of €100 for all patients unless you have one of these. For non-EU citizens, we would suggest you have a certain level of travel and medical insurance.

Posted by Rita. Updated 27 June 2022.

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